Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize