I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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