I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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