Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
