Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
