Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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