My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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