That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
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After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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