my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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