just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
