They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
