I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
