I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
