It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
