Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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