Your dad touched me again.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I look better un-naked...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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