I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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