it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
