I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
