Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i out mim tonsoeep
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
