There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
