Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
