I cannot find my penis.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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