you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
