I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
