I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You pole danced in your parka.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
