i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
