You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
