I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
