so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.