fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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