it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
