Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
