Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
