Best friends brother. Beat that.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
