Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
