I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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