i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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