She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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