If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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