I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
