note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
