I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
