Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
