I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
