Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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