As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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