god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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