are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
