Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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