I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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