That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
