I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
