Pants 0. Shit 1.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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