Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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