Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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