yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
