would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
